My Social Anxiety Cheatsheet for Mingling

I read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" several years ago and the "it's about them" thing really stuck with me. People really do like to talk about themselves, and that makes parties much easier if you have social anxiety. I love listening to people talk about their interests, because I always learn something and I can form a positive connection with someone new (even if their interests aren't really up my alley). It also has the added benefit of being able to make a good impression on someone without exhausting your social batteries.

This seems super weird, like a description on how to eat that goes into great detail about food color and smell and how much to put into the mouth exactly then describing the act of chewing as a deliberate movement like learning to golf or something.

So I guess I am not very autistic. It is a good article though if the basic act of talking to other people Is mysterious to you.

I was hoping more of some insight about how to mingle at a max level place like: you on day two in the evening of a conference and everybody knows each other already. People are in deep conversations and you got about 30 minutes to find someone to have dinner with or you will eat alone and not socialize.

All social anxiety tips are useless. These are just bandaid solutions to a deeper problem with an individual.

Figure out the root of the anxiety - lack of confidence, depression, or just plain background anxiety, alienation, isolation etc and work on YOURSELF. Build your confidence through education, learning, the gym, deep curiosity about nature the universe, books. Be comfortable in yourself. That’s the harder problem. Solve that, you solve the world.

These how to guides are self felatio

Nice tidbits here. I'd summarize good conversation as balancing:

(1) Creating conversations that are fun and interesting for you. (2) Give attention to the person. Make them feel comfortable, seen, and understood.

More details:

- The better you get at creating you're own good time (and it is a skill), the more you 'energy' you have to give.

- If you feel akward, you'll make the other person uncomfortable. Being comfortable with yourself is the foundation to having a sense of presence and charisma. Even if an interaction is going poorly and its feels like your fault, it can be funny. So many sitcoms are based around comedically bad interactions.

- Focusing on giving attention and comfort to the other person helps take away the anxiety of "what are they thinking about me?". Your focused on doing something for them instead of what they think of you.

- Seeking validation is a form of trying to get something from somebody. When you seek validation, you bring an agenda to the conversation, even if unconsciously, and thats why it feels uncomfortable.

- Most people just talk to be heard, so its a real gift to give someone your genuine interest and attention.

Other tricks:

Take a guess instead of asking a question:

- "You look like your having a good day" instead of "how are you?".

- "Do you work in {field}?" instead of "what do you do?"

- "Are you from {place}"

- You're guess should be educated, something you notice about the person (remember how attention is a gift?). If you're right, you make an immediate connection. If you're wrong, the conversation has a natural place to go.

Pay attention to your body:

- Notice the sensations in your feet, hands, shoulders, etc. Don't change them, just notice them. Especially your breathe. It helps you be connected with the person in the moment instead of in your head.

The author recommends asking people what their favorite of a category is, which is funny, because that category of question (provide superlative from set) stun locks me instantly in conversation, because I feel like I have to provide a defensibly true answer for this subjective question, and I don't index things in sets like that in the first place.

I never understood classic parties. It always seems to me that people end up having fun in spite of the context usually with looseness driven by alcohol.

By contrast if you just go do something you enjoy then you already have a commonality and even if you find the company boring, you're there to do something you like.

So - chess or sports, watching something (sport, plays, whatever), charity work, interest clubs (you can find local clubs for just about every interest online), events like local music / poetry/performance stuff, art shows, and all so on endlessly.

The ones that are inherently group based like chess or clubs guarantee interaction without the awkwardness of socializing with less 'context.'

Another classic icebreaker for parties when you don’t know anyone is to ask, “how do you know the host?” This can reveal shared interests (“we both collect butterflies”), prompt stories (“we actually met in traffic court, it’s a funny story…”) and gives them something to ask you back (“and how about you?”). You might even learn something new about your host, too!

I feel like I've seen a million versions of this article, and it's fine as far as it goes, but where's the sequel for when you've overcome social anxiety and found that you still experience no particular interest in or reward from socializing? This seems to be the sort of situation that attracts a fair number of labels and platitudes, but never anything actionable.

I’m the last person anyone should take advice on socializing from, but this passage seems off even to me.

    Another example: "I'm okay but I'm feeling like I need to get myself in front of people more often like this. I'm [sic] been kind of a hermit lately." And again, end with a question. "Are you a pretty social person?"

That's what I needed, literally the algorithm for approaching human beings. I should have this written in Lua and loaded to my brain along with "How to behave on funerals", and "How to be happy".

This was wholesome. I thought it might feel transactional, but it doesn't. Thanks for posting it.

In your “thanks for reading” partial the YouTube link goes to obsidian. Also you should consider a “contact me” on your site. Cheers.

This is actually pretty good advice, me and the author think in a similar way.

When did seemingly everyone become "autistic"?